Unfortunately, we are experiencing a World right now, where the loss of a loved one is getting a familiar feeling to more and more people. So many of you are losing family members or friends to this ongoing situation. And so many of you have already gone through on this experience in the past when a loved one lost her / his life due to an accident, a disease, or old age. Unfortunately, it is easy to find connection with someone over this topic, who went through herself / himself this experience. It is rare to meet people who did not lose anyone one way or another. You are one of the lucky ones if you have never known this feeling.
Losing A Life - My Dad's Death
In my family, it is a very well - known experience, to be honest. I can “easily” talk about what it is like to lose all your grandparents, a godmother, other relatives in the family but most importantly, I know what it is like to attend to your own dad’s funeral.
In a previous post of mine, Addiction, I have already mentioned that I lost my dad when I was nineteen years old. He lost his battle to cancer. He was fighting for his life for a year and a half. He wanted to live for his family, mainly for his children, but unfortunately, his time to go from this World was at the age of fifty – four. It was not easy to witness my own dad’s deterioration. I saw him losing himself fully and completely. He lost weight, his skin colour changed, and he lost his being. In his final stage, all he was doing was lying in the bed, not eating nor drinking anything. He was only dreaming. He was hallucinating, he was talking like he was at work, in the past, doing what he loved. At one night, on a Sunday, between 2am – 3am, I heard noises and I heard people from the morgue to take him. And I knew.
One Way To Handle Loss
Looking back now, my reaction was very defensive, I think to this his loss. At the very beginning, I was not crying. I was aware and I acknowledge what was happening, but I did not feel like it hit me, nor was I reacting the way as it is expected from someone who just lost her father. The day of his death was horrible and the slowest day of my life, but apart from the funeral where I shed a few tears, I remember, I was doing okay. Or at least, I was saying that to myself and I was showing that to others. Not that anyone was expected it from me. I kept telling myself that him and I did not have a good relationship anyway, we barely had any connection, so I was fine. Plus, the whole family knew this would happen at some point so again, I was fine, I was prepared for it, I was ready for it to happen.
I was holding myself up until the day, I had to move in to a flat to start my second year at college. That day, from the moment my sister and I arrived at the property, I was crying. I cried the whole day without stopping. Three months later of my dad’s funeral, it all came out, I let the feelings and all to come up so that I can let them go, so that I can find ease within.
I was holding and holding all the thoughts and emotions in, I was wearing a mask and I was playing an act that I was fine; I was telling a lie to myself that our relationship was never good, we were never close, that I did not love him. Just to make it easier, just to bear his death. But, as you can see, sooner or later the suppressed things within you, will find you. You can tell all the lie to yourself; you can create all and any excuses and stories in your head that sound great. But you are doing it only for one reason; to protect yourself so that you can survive. That is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Do not punish yourself for that. You were doing the best you could in that circumstance with the knowledge you had at the time. You were doing your best. You did not know any better because you have never gone through anything like that before. But, as my example shows, you cannot keep this mask on all the time. You cannot keep living in a bubble that you created for yourself and not deal with situations. They will catch up with you, you will have to face them whether you like it or not. Because that is why the experience happened for / to you.
All is Happening For A Reason
No matter what you go through in life, no matter if it is a great, joyful, pleasant, warm, wanted, wished, experience or if it is a hardship, a difficulty, a heart break, struggle, or pain. You are facing that particular thing because you have to, because at some point in your life, that experience will be beneficial, it will help you, that experience will give you knowledge, wisdom, understanding on certain things that you will need later on. You will not know the reason behind it right away, but the Universe will reveal it for you at the right time.
In my case, one of the reasons I had to lose my dad is because my life and even me would not be the same if he were still alive. I would not be here; I would not have the aspirations, the insights, the services I have now, and I would not do what I do. I see it now that I needed this experience in my life, I needed to go through on it at that age. Why? So that I do not remain the spoilt child I was, so that I can start see my own power and potentials of what I am capable of, so that I can leave my hometown behind easier, so that I can share this story with you, so that I can become independent and found my voice, so that I can look back at him and see who he really was. Would I change it? Would I want him to live? Fairly speaking, no. He was born and he was my dad for a reason, he had a purpose that only he knows what that was. But, at the age of fifty – four, he felt like he has done his job, he did the best he could here, maybe he even fulfilled his purpose and he felt like it was time for him to go.
I want you to know that I do not know what you are going through. I am not living your life, I am not having your past, I am not you. But I had a very similar experience that you had or have. I want you to feel all that is within you, all that is coming up. Feel and acknowledge all the thoughts and emotions. Do not fight them, you just make things worse. Accept them, live them, go through with them, and then let them go. Do not hold onto them, they are not worth it, it is not healthy, they are just creating more heaviness within you. And that is not what your loved one would want you to do. Not for her / him.
Loss of a loved one is never an easy thing to experience but it is part of life. You cannot avoid it. I know when it happens it is painful and the sorrow, the anger you feel is sometimes unbearable, you want to scream and cry all the time. You feel confused and lost. And the very last thing you want to hear that it will be fine and that it is all for a reason. But the more time goes on, the more honest you are with yourself about your thoughts and feelings, the easier it gets and the sooner the change within you will happen, the sooner you get to see the why and the sooner the acceptance and understanding follow.