The Need To Control Others Towards Change

Updated: Jan 4

In today’s blog, I would like to talk about my used to have quality that was very strongly within me for a long time. It is the need to control others toward change. I think you are familiar with what it is like wanting to control all and every possible situation, like the weather, the traffic jam in the morning on your way to work, the emails and phone calls you are receiving throughout your day and of course, the reactions of others towards you and how everybody should do things according to your schedule and need in your life. And maybe, you even have the need to control your loved ones’ lives. I was having these experiences for years in all aspect of my life. But one main area where “control” was showing up a lot of times was in the relationship I had with my sister.

As I was growing up, I became attached to my sister. She is nine years older than me but still, my connection towards her was strong from a very young age. I was not independent from her at all. I was very much the opposite. It is one thing that I shared with her all that was happening in my life, even the tiniest and least important things (like going into real, small details about how my day went at school because I wanted her to know everything about me) but we even did everything together, we always went everywhere together, we always discussed everything that was happening in our life and it was like I was living my and her life, as well. I remember crying almost each week when she went back to university and “left me behind” after coming home for the weekends or how upset I was getting just because she went to run some errands without me. The connection and the attachment from my end got so strong that as I was growing up, I thought I had the right to make her become a person she was not meant to be. I do not want to share details about her life for privacy reasons because her story is not mine to tell but still, I would like to give an example that I am hoping to make you understand the point I am trying to make here.

An example like when we got into an argument just because she was seeing a guy I did not like. The guy really liked her, really tried to please her, entertain her, and shower her with all the good things you can imagine. Genuinely. But guess what, I did not like him. No particular reason, I just had a gut feeling about him, his energy, his way of being, thinking, behaviour was too much and not in alignment with my sister. I can put it into words now but back then I could not express myself well, I did not understand myself well enough to explain my point and gut feeling to my sister. Hence, the argument. I was upset because she did not see what I was seeing. That they are not on the same wavelength, he is not on her level, they are going nowhere, and they are wasting each other’s time. I was frustrated for a long time. She eventually broke up with him because, after a year or so, she finally got to see what I was trying to make her see. And our relationship had experiences like this throughout the years. I was trying to make her see things she was not ready to see, make her listen to me and take my advices, and make her live her life the way I was living mine and the way I wanted her to live her life. I was not looking at things from her point of view, from her life but from mine.

Wanting the change for someone, wanting to “control” someone else’s life is not right. You have no right to do so. You are not living their life, you are not having the same experiences, you are not on the same spiritual journey, you do not know what they are going through inside. And you do not know what their purpose in life is. Maybe they just need more time to be ready to see and understand what you are seeing and understanding. Or maybe, such deep evolvement is not part of their journey and the growth you are wishing for them, the change you are aiming them to reach will never come in their life or not in the way you are hoping for it. As a quote I have recently read says:

“If you want someone close to you to rise out of the bad habit or practice, do not persistently point it out expecting them to change. The way out of our weaknesses is through inspiration not condemnation”.

So true! With my sister, as I got more and more mature and evolved, I got to see what I was doing, and how unhealthy our relationship was. I was trying to force her to be the person she was not. I was trying to make her to be someone that she was not ready to be. I was trying to make her grow with me, I was trying to teach and explain her the knowledge, and the lessons that I was learning so that she can evolve with me. And of course, when she was not embodying them, when she went back to her old ways and patterns, I got upset with her.

Throughout my spiritual unfoldment, I became aware of how unhealthy it was. I have realised that this is not the way I want to live my life, not the relationship I want to have with her nor the bond and connection I want in my life for and towards her. I wanted to let it and her go. I needed to let it and her go. And I wanted and needed that mostly for me. I wanted to be independent from her, completely, in all areas and ways. I needed to be free from her, I needed to have those energies that I was putting into her and her life to be put into me and into my life. As I got more evolved, I got to understand that her life is her life. She has to live it the way she wants to, she has to have the experiences she needs to have to grow. And she will grow when she is ready to do so and not when I want her to. I started to work towards releasing her consciously, and slowly but surely, as I was reflecting back on us, I have realised that I was on the right path. I was getting less and less involved in her life, less and less controlled over her, her decisions, and her way of living. I was there to help her, to guide her if she needed me but I was only making her offerings that were up to her to take upon and I was okay with that.

And as I was realising that I was achieving my intention regarding her and our relationship, I noticed a sensation within me. Or more precisely, I did not notice something within me. There was no more anger, frustration, or stress in me towards her or our relationship. I am free, light, and independent now. Just like our relationship. I am still there for her, I am still loving her, but I am not attached nor dependant to her anymore. I am accepting and loving her the way she is fully and completely. I am happy for her truly. I am letting her live her life the way she finds it the best for her, and I am accepting no matter what she is deciding to do and with whom. I am not putting those energies into her anymore. I am more understanding towards her and towards our relationship and that is a great and healthy feeling.

Wanting to control things and people in our lives causes more damage and harm in you and in your surroundings then it helps and beneficial. You do not have control over them and never will be. Everything and everybody have to unfold when and how they were meant to. And I can say from personal experience, once you let go, once you turn all those energies that you are using to control the uncontrollable into you and your growth, you find peace, ease within you, you become free and light. And that is an extraordinary feeling comparing to the heaviness of need to control.